I got here at night. In the middle of a huge hall, I stood barefoot on the concrete floor. Two men in white coats approached me. Their faces were hidden-just like the place they were taking me to. In the depths of the dark, low-ceilinged corridors there was a passage, at the end of which was an unremarkable door. Broken vases, strange paintings of faces contorted in pain, it was not a pleasant place.
I was led into a small room; a strange old man was waiting for me inside. His face expressed only one thing: fatigue. He sat in a chair with his eyes closed. When I was seated opposite him, he did not move. Our conversation was no less strange. I didn't understand anything, but it was as if he didn't care. He kept asking me questions:
- Do you hear voices?
- I told you before...I can't hear anything.
- And now?
- What?
- Can you hear me now?
- I don't...
- Hmm.
He leaned on the table, opened his eyes, and looked at me. I felt uneasy. But I tried not to be suspicious of whatever it was he suspected me of.
- Where am I?
- No, no. I ask the questions here. That's just the way it is.
- I got it.
- Maybe you see things? Devils, goblins, or more like giants?
- ...no.
- Why so insecure?
- No!
- Now, that's a whole different conversation.
He paused, took a good look at me and said: "Okay...take him to his room."
The old man bowed goodbye to me and closed his eyes again. I couldn't say a word. Even when I tried, it was no use. Only the grim faces of the two men who accompanied me were the answer to my questions.
***
My "room" smelled damp. There was someone sitting on the bed. I immediately said hello to him. My neighbor turned out to be an unremarkable young man. He looked at me grudgingly, then stood up and came right up to me. I didn't know how to respond. Soon he put his arm around me and said: "Welcome!" He sat me down on one of the stools. There were no windows in this room. The doors were closed tightly. And only a small strip of light reached here from the flickering screen of the clock hanging on the wall. When I asked about this place, my neighbor crossed himself. Instead of answering me, he opened a book and began to read. I was surprised at this, for the room was dark. It was almost impossible to see anything. So I tried to ask again:
- Do you know where we are?
- I know.
- Can you tell me about it?
- No, I don't.
- Why?
He closed the book, sat down on a stool beside me, and whispered in my ear: "You don't need that." I was afraid to ask anything else, so I decided to just sleep. For some reason, I felt like I could get rid of this nightmare that way.
Morning didn't come for me. I woke up half an hour later to a terrible howl. It was coming from the hallway. I got out of bed quickly and went to the door. The screaming was getting on my nerves more and more. I looked around the room and noticed that my cellmate was sleeping peacefully. He didn't even react to the scream. Either because he was used to it, or because he was too scared. I wanted to knock on the door, but suddenly a pair of black tarry eyes looked at me from the other side of the door. I started to pivot, but it didn't save me from a frantic heartbeat. This "someone" opened the door and told me to follow him. I obeyed and followed. Before I had gone two steps, I heard the sound of a door closing. I was told to keep walking; not to look back or pay attention to the foreign elements.
Eventually we turned into one of the corridors, at the end of which was a staircase. We went down and found ourselves on a balcony. It was the first time I saw the place I was in: a huge, barrel-shaped structure standing in the middle of nowhere. Only fields surrounded the building. After a while, I gathered my courage and asked:
- So what is this place?
- So you still don't get it? We had no idea your case would be so severe.
- My case? Я... did I do something wrong?
- No. Luckily, nothing.
- Then you'll let me go?
- I can't. Even if I wanted to. I don't want to. What's your last memory? Before you came here.
- I remember: I was walking through the store, got some bread... a kilo of potatoes, although honestly I don't like them very much... That was it... Then I was at the self-service checkout... hmmm, how hard is that.
- Don't work so hard. Take care of yourself.
- Yeah... What's your point?
- I mean, you haven't been to any store. And you love potatoes.
- This can't be happening!
Then he opened the door that led to the floor below and asked me to follow him. When we went downstairs, the two men were waiting for us. Still in white coats and without a single emotion on their faces. I was scared. I wondered what was in their heads. But I was immediately assured that they were not going to do any experiments or anything like that. I exhaled and proceeded into a small brightly colored room. The staff in robes closed the door behind me and stood on either side of the exit. The one with the black eyes told me to sit at a desk. Then I was hooked up to the sensors.
- What's it for?
- Soon you'll be talking about everything...
Then disaster struck - someone started screaming furiously. I got up from the table and hid in the corner. They tried to catch me, but there was an explosion. I covered my head with my hands and began to remember what to do in such cases. Very soon I realized that I had no idea what to do in such cases. So, flat on my back, I just crawled towards the raging flames. The two in robes passed away quickly enough, without agony. But the one with the eyes, he seemed strange to me at once. Like a demon, but in human form. He stood on the table with his arms spread wide and laughed. I sped up, but I was met by another obstacle: an old man. He held a gun in his hand, and I could tell that he had already used it, for I could no longer hear the scream.
- Get up!
I quickly got up off the floor, shook myself off, and looked around.
- What happened here?
- Relapse. It happens.
- Can I go home? This doesn't happen at my house.
- We can, but not right now.
He waved his hand and the two men came up to me.
- I thought they were dead," I wondered at the time.
They looked at me like I was a fool. But I didn't take offense.
- Take him back.
***
Back in the cell again. I sat on a crooked stool and thought. I had nothing else to do. My thoughts were interrupted by my neighbor. He was smiling for some reason. He must have been happy that he was safe here. It hurt me, and that's probably why I got a little angry.
- Why are you laughing? You think you're so smart?! You pretend to be dead and then...
His face suddenly contorted into a grimace. He leaned against the wall and fidgeted with his sleeve.
- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.
- Didn't want what?
- Rude.
- It's okay. It happens.
We sat like that for about two hours. It was getting light outside, according to the clock. Suddenly, he was lively again. It was as if he had come out of his deep thoughts.
- And I've been in jail... a long time ago, of course, but I've been there.
I felt uneasy. Why would he suddenly remember that? - I asked myself.
- I did a lot of things back then. I shudder to think of it. But don't worry, I'm not like that anymore.
- And... what's this change related to?
- I realized life. I've realized my mistakes. And it's been so many years...
- How old are you?
What I heard in response stunned me.
- Fifty-five.
- This can't be happening!
- Everyone is surprised, although it doesn't make me feel good or bad.
Then there was silence. I didn't even notice that I had fallen asleep.
***
- Oh, I'm so sorry. Did I wake you?
- What... who are you here to see?
She sat in front of me, as if she expected me to say no. And I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say to her. She grabbed my arm, felt my pulse, shone a light in my eyes, tapped my knee with a hammer. She wrote down the results in her notebook. She must have also worked for this institution.
- I'm sorry... can you tell me how I got here?
- If you'll excuse me, I don't know. I don't work here.
- What do you mean you don't work? Then what's the point of all this?
- Sometimes it's good to check your condition. I was just checking your reflexes, and I realized it's bad. You should be getting treatment, not asking questions.
- I'm trying. I've even been fed already.
- Porridge?
- Yeah, and she's not the only one. There's a lot more pills, I can't see them anymore.
- How do you like your porridge?
- Porridge is porridge, that's not the point. I don't get it.
- It's normal. Don't worry about it. I'll have you back on your feet in no time.
- But you don't work here.
- But I live here now.
I jumped off the bed abruptly. Trying not to show a tremor, I shoved my hands into my pants pockets. The room was the same. It was still dark and damp. The clock was still glowing. Except my roommate wasn't there.
- Where is he going...
I didn't let myself finish. I wondered if she was testing me. Something was wrong. I realized it in that moment. So I sat back down and watched as she made notes in her notebook. What surprised me was that she was allowed to have a candle. She lit it with matches and illuminated this scary room. I felt uneasy again. I immediately remembered yesterday. I thought: Maybe it was all just a delusion.
***
That afternoon, in the old man's office, I greedily drank the water that had been kindly provided for me to wash down the medicine. I didn't like taking pills. They made me disgusted. But with two thugs standing over your soul, you'll think again before you disobey their insistence.
- Good for you. You're on the mend.
- Have I ever been sick before?
- Sick, of course I was sick. But we were able to save you.
- Yeah. (chuckles)
At this point, something clicked in my head.
- NO!
- What do you mean?
- I'm not sick! I never was!
- Hmm, now I think I jumped to conclusions.
- Let me out of here already. I can't take it anymore. This is crazy! I'm normal!
- Do you want to go outside?
- Yeah. (chuckles)
- Can I ask you one favor? If you agree to help me, I'll let you go right now.
Not believing my own ears, I looked around. There were two workers standing behind me. They didn't even move, didn't look surprised. I realized this was my chance. I realized I could get out of here. So I took it.
- What am I supposed to do?
- It's simple: you have to promise me you won't attack people.
- I-- attack? What the hell are you--
- Hush, hush... Promise me.
I nodded. Then we shook hands and... I couldn't believe it - I was out in the wild. An empty field, all planted with corn. It stretched for kilometers. I looked back, and there was an old man standing by the gate. He waved at me and smiled. For some reason, at that moment, I felt creepy. A shiver ran through me from head to toe. The gate slammed shut, and I was alone.
***
- That's the story.
- Grandpa, aren't you making it up?
- What are you talking about, Mishenka? I'm your grandfather, I wouldn't lie to you. Let's go to the kitchen, we've been sitting here too long.
- What are we having for lunch?
- Porridge, Mishenka, porridge.
- Ugh...grandpa, can I get something else?
- Well, I'm sorry, that's all there is to it. Do you want a piece of candy?
- They're your pills, have you forgotten?
- Uh, yeah? I'm-- Hey, why is it so dark in here? Mishenka? Mischa?
I open my eyes... It's dark... like I never left. And there's screaming at me from behind the wall.
- Hey! What are you yelling about?! Just sit still and eat!
I touched the wall, my face. I looked at my neighbor.
- Where's the girl?
- The girl... I don't know, I haven't seen her. Under the bed, maybe?
- Why...maybe.
I threw the plate away, and it thudded against the wall and shattered. As I tried to crawl under the bed, a couple of thugs came into our room. They dragged me by my feet. I screamed and fought back, but still decided to stop. What was the point? - I couldn't answer that question for myself anymore.
Lying on my back, I looked up at the ceiling. So high and vast. The two thugs left me. Soon an old man came to me. He lay down beside me and pointed to a barely visible spot.
- You see?
I see," I said. And he did it again:
- You see?
- I can see that.
- See?
- I can see that! - I shouted, unable to bear the abuse.
- It's a way out.
- What do you mean?
- Directly.
- But that's the ceiling.
- I know, that's why I'm okay with it. So do you. You're not getting out of here.
- So this is the way out...
- That's the one. Except I can't reach him.
I closed my eyes and fell into a dream. I dreamed of Misha, we were eating porridge and drinking water with colorful pills.